Relationship Goals - This is how you really argue with your partner


This is how you really argue with your partner

We actually know. And yet it is often really difficult for us in everyday life: to argue well. We know that arguments are part of life. And we know that we have to try to argue constructively. Not hurtful, but purposeful. Especially in relation to our relationship. Because permanent, wrong arguments can ruin a lot here.

But how do you actually do that, the good arguing? Is there a secret recipe for it? An American psychology professor, Robert W. Levenson,  has a few tips for couples. Because Levenson discovered that the way we argue also has an impact on our physical health. Another reason why we should argue properly!

Two extremes

According to Levenson, there are two extremes when it comes to arguing. On the one hand, people who express a lot of anger, argue and rant, and on the other hand people who eat everything into themselves and show no emotions. Both extremes are not good. According to Levenson, several studies have shown that people who blow up quickly are prone to heart disease, and people who suppress their emotions often struggle with back pain.

What can you do about it?

Couples should find a way to structure their arguments in such a way that no one suffers emotionally. Moderation is the magic word. Feelings should be expressed, but not explosively and with a lot of force, but controlled as far as possible. We not only have negative emotions, but also positive feelings. They should also be expressed! Levenson and colleagues were able to show that this type of controlled expression of emotions, i.e. the de-excitement after many negative feelings, is a very important indicator of relationship satisfaction.

It is also important to address problems as quickly as possible. The longer we put off unpleasant conversations, the more likely it is that we either suppress our feelings until then or literally burst our hats and the partner doesn't even know why we are suddenly so angry. A study with 145 couples showed that the happiest couples were those who addressed their differences of opinion particularly quickly.

A long time together

Another study with 400 couples also showed that those who stayed together the longest were those who tried to be positive about their feelings. That means, calmly accepting the feelings of the other, giving the other space, and, most importantly, listening.

These tips sound understandable, but of course, they also sound a bit unspecific. After all, how can you keep calm when you're so upset? In such situations, we should honestly observe ourselves and try to cool ourselves off before we blame the partner. Because there is one thing to consider: We are not alone in a relationship. And our partner is never solely to blame for a situation. We are responsible for our own needs. We shouldn't blame the partner for this. Then it is easier to argue. Because then we know what it's about.

Read also:

The 4 Phases After A Relationship Break Up

32 Very Aphrodisiac Food

6 Things That Happy Couples Do

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