The 4 phases after a relationship break up
After we have been left or broke up, we go through certain phases of separation, which I would like to introduce to you in this post. Plus: what you should do in each of these phases of separation - and what you should avoid in order to really come to terms with your separation and overcome your lovesickness. So you will learn the best separation tips.During the separation period, it is helpful to know which phases there are separation phases - and above all to be safe: after a certain period of time, it always goes uphill, guaranteed! The order of the phases can vary somewhat, as well as the duration and intensity of the individual sections can be different for each person.
In the end, I would like to give you a tip on how we can best cope with the separation and let the partnership rest peacefully in the past. But until then, you have to go through the 4 phases of separation.
We cannot avoid them. Rather, with the right behavior, we can leave these phases of grief behind us more quickly.
The 4 phases of separation after a relationship
After our partner has ended the relationship, most of those affected experience a similar sequence of comparable conditions. We go through so-called separation phases, which were first described by the Swiss psychologist Verena Kast. There are concepts with four or five phases of grief or separation - or even more.
1. Separation phase: "Not wanting to believe"
The loved one is suddenly gone. We are shocked as if frozen and totally upset inside. We can’t believe it and we don’t want to believe it. We tend to believe that the ex-partner will change his mind and cling to any hope of winning him back after all.
Nevertheless, we have to deal with the new situation: The beloved partner, the common life, the mutual friends, and the dreams of the future are gone from one day to the next. We cannot imagine that we will ever come out of the deep hole again and become happy again.
That helps in the 1st phase of separation
Avoid: Avoid any contact with your ex in the first phase of separation, do not write to him or call him. It's not there now to take your pain away. Also, stop anything that reminds you of him: do not read old messages, remove photos in the apartment or block status messages in social networks.
Admit: Know that at this moment you are not standing in your full strength but in shock. It is normal to see yourself as helpless. In the event of a physical illness, we also treat ourselves to breaks and rest. You have this responsibility towards yourself when your soul hurts.
Inclusion: Connect with people who are close to you, such as friends or family. Include them, exchange ideas and find comfort in them.
Thinking: Spend as little time as possible to understand the reasons for separation and to analyze your supposed mistakes. That won't get you anywhere now, even if your mind tries to convince you. There is enough time for that later.
Distract: When you start pondering, distract your mind. For example, by thinking about what you ate three days ago or who was sitting next to you in first grade.
Change: Everything that is new can take you away from the old. For example, rearrange your apartment, hang up pictures and new ones, move the sofa or TV, buy new bed linen, or swap knives, forks, and spoons in the cutlery compartment.
2nd phase of separation: emotional chaos
After we have realized that the relationship is really over, we usually fall into a new hole again. Because now the separation is real and we have different feelings: sadness, anger, pain, hope, or hopelessness.
We believe that we are completely and forever at the mercy of these feelings and we feel as if we have completely lost the ground under our feet. But even this phase - it is often the longest of the 4 separation phases - is over. The faster, the less we fight them.
That helps in the 2nd phase of separation
Feeling: Do not suppress any of your feelings, that is the most important thing in this phase of separation! Let them all out when they are there: cry, scream, be angry, be hopeless, be sad ... Even if you only find the time and rest once a day. So don't try to fight feelings like sadness, anger, or hopelessness. In this separation phase, also allow yourself to show the different feelings towards your ex-partner: Often anger and reproaches as well as longing and love. Allow both sides to be, even if your head doesn't understand this dichotomy.
Accept: Learn to accept that the breakup is over. We have to accept that. The partner has decided that he/she no longer wants the relationship. Even if it hurts and your head may persuade you to persuade or convince it, acceptance is the goal-oriented and sustainable way to process the separation.
Writing: We often feel the need to say a lot to the ex-partner. You can do that too: Write one or more letters to her/him in which you express all your feelings and thoughts - but: without finally sending them. This helps a lot in processing feelings. The carousel of thought is interrupted and by writing we gain clarity about what has been confused so far. An alternative: record your thoughts and experiences in a diary.
Exercise: Exercise for at least 30 minutes or go for a long walk every day. Best in nature with fresh air.
Love: Be loving, indulgent, and gentle to yourself. How you would deal with a small child who has lost someone important and is alone for the first time.
Inform: Read articles like this one, ask friends about their experience or read.
3. Separation phase: reorientation
In the third phase, we take our life into our hands more actively again and see future prospects. The distance to the ex-partner is slowly becoming noticeable and the moments in which we do not think about him are getting longer and more often. And when we think of him, we are not automatically drawn into grief and gravity.
Even if the thought of your ex can still hurt, it's no longer the burning, stabbing pain we feel - it makes way for duller and deeper grief.
We have more and more energy for new things, discover hidden potentials, get to know new people, and slowly find our own way again.
That helps in the 3rd phase of separation
Recognize: We are slowly realizing what the separation also made good possible. We have not only lost the good and the support, but also everything negative about the partnership: Conflicts, disputes ... We also recognize that we have grown personally.
Reflecting: We often ask ourselves questions, especially about our own identity: "What do I actually want myself?", "What remains without the partner?" Or "What have I learned about myself in the partnership?"
Experience: Do things that were not possible because of your ex-partner: For example, buy an overpriced item of clothing, dye your hair red, although he didn't like red, you did ...
4. Separation phase: "Off to new shores"
We made it! We can leave the former partner in the past and be happy that we have survived this time and grown from it. Now more and more often we have the feeling that it was right, how it all came about, and we feel more experienced and stronger.
That helps in the 4th and final phase of separation
Enjoy every happy minute. In addition, with the distance gained, the relationship can be better reflected and we recognize more and more what we have learned from it about ourselves and our behavior in relationships. We see in the last phase of separation that we have experienced an immense boost in our personality and will benefit from this experience for our lives and future partnerships.
We can now forgive our ex-partner and more importantly: We can forgive ourselves for the things we accused ourselves of in the first two phases of the separation.